Top 5 Usher Moments

I don't like having long posts, but hopefully these stories will entertain you enough to hold your attention!  I had my wife (Mary) help come up with my "Top 5 Usher Moments"--just reflecting on a few of several funny moments that wouldn't have happened if I could see "normally."  What could would it be for us to not share our laughs with you?  But, before I give you our top 5, I thought it might be good to explain what I actually see.  As my title suggests and as I mentioned when explaining the diagnosis, the end result is tunnel vision.  But just how big is my tunnel vision right now?  After getting a visual field test done a few weeks ago my doctor said what I see is equivalent to holding a toilet paper roll over your eye (roll for each eye, which is approximately 30-35 degree field of vision for each).  I personally feel I see a little better than that when there's light and quite a bit worse when it's darker; but at least that can give an indication of where I am and give perspective to my top 5 stories!  So, we begin at #5:

5) I was visiting some of Mary's family and this was the first time some of them had seen me since being diagnosed.  One of them was a 5 year old named Noah who is a very curious kid and will never accept anything at face value.  So when he heard "Careful, he can't see you down there" he just had to test it.  He took my hand, lead me to the couch and sat me down face to face.  He then raised his arm:
"Do you see my hand?"
"No"
"How bout here?"
"No"
"What about here?"
"Yes"
"And here?"
"No"
Yeah... this went on for a good 5 minutes!

4) Mary and I were visiting a friend at a brand new recreation facility he was working at.  We walked into the indoor pool and watched the kids play for a little bit.  Now, something I did not know about Usher at this time is that even my central vision is affected; in this particular case, objects can "blend in together" if they are similar colors (I can't ever find the stack of coffee lids that sit on top of a black tablecloth at church).  So... there we are standing there with a white wall behind us.  Mary's standing to the left of me and for whatever reason I decided I wanted to stand on the other side of her.  So... I went to walk behind her to get on her left side only a huge giant white pole stood in the way.  I smacked into that thing so hard I recoiled and did all I could to "play it off" as all eyes were on me!  Yeah... that pole blended into the wall--no idea it was there!

3) Mary and I went to eat at a great Italian restaurant in Frankfort.  With it being so dim in restaurants these days I prefer using my walking cane.  So, when the hostess grabbed 2 menus and called our name, I stood up, opened my cane, and followed to the table (the cane saved me from a bench and a chair, FYI).  Once I went to sit down the hostess turns to my wife and says, "Ummm... I'm sorry we don't... err...does he need a braille menu because we don't have one."  "Oh no, he's fine," she responded.  The funny part is that she proceeds to take my menu and walks off!  Mary couldn't do anything but laugh as I scooted my chair around the table to look at hers.  (But please understand, I thought it was very considerate that the hostess asked that--I would have assumed I was completely blind if I was in that situation--as I'm sure most do when they see someone with a cane!)

2) At Kings Island my older brother (Dan) and I went to ride the scooby doo ghost ride (that's what it used to be called; not sure what it is now)... this ride is basically a kiddy ride, but it's tradition to ride it!  So, the ride and line are all indoors, and it's DARK in there.  Once you get to the actual ride, the booths are not stationary--they move on a giant turntable.  So when it's your turn, you chase the booth and hop in.  Well... as I said, it was dark so being night blind I really couldn't see anything.  So Dan lead me through the whole line and once we got to the ride he walked behind me, trying to guide me by holding my shoulders and pushing me one way or another.  But with the booths going by on a turntable it was like trying to pin the tail on a live donkey!  Once he got me in the booth had stopped.  After not moving for about 10 seconds I asked "What's going on?"  He replied, "Ha... they had to stop the ride so you could get on."  Yes, ladies and gentleman, a ride shut down for a reason other than lightning.

And we finish off with #1... this will take some explaining, but it's totally worth it:
1) One morning I hopped in the shower and realized I was out of soap.  While normally I would have asked Mary to get me soap since I was already in the shower, she was sick all night so I didn't want to bother her.  So, I hopped out of the shower and didn't bother putting a towel around me (besides, it's my house and I'm getting right back in the shower) and headed to the garage (our extra soap is in the garage in a plastic storage shelf).  When you enter my garage from the house, the garage door is to the right and the storage shelf is on the opposite wall on the left.  So as soon as I walk in, I don't see anything to the right or left of me obviously and I immediately look down to find the stairs--I go down the stairs, straight to the storage shelf, open it up and bend over to grab the soap off the very bottom shelf.  Once I got the soap, I'm already looking down to see the stairs and I walk back into the house and finish my shower.  By the time I got ready for work, Mary had woken up and greets me by saying, "Hey... did you know you left the garage open all night?"

"Please tell me you're lying."

"No... I just shut it.  Why?"

"Cause that means I just showed our entire neighborhood my goods."  Haha... and to make matters worse, it was dark outside, with a light in the garage and EVERY morning at 6:30 our neighbor across from us has a smoke on his front porch steps.... I was in my garage around 6:25.

If you have a funny incident you witnessed and want me to share... just let me know!  Otherwise, look for my next post about my social frustrations but personal satisfaction with using a cane.